Blue Fox Shaman

Our Cast:
Fox’s family-
Mrs. Gay, her mother
Bronte, her older brother
Azar, her older sister

Bärchen’s family-
Mr. Skyler, his father
Auricia, his older sister
The Twins, his older brothers

Fox: I invited both our families over for the Philosophy Game, and dinner, of course. I thought we needed something to distract us while Civilization crumbles around us.

Bärchen: Oooo…kay. Are you sure about this? Don’t you remember how that went last time?

Fox: Civilization crumbling? That was easy compared to this time around. It didn’t turn really ugly until the Inquisition.

Bärchen: No, I mean Game Night.

Fox: It wasn’t so bad.

Bärchen: “Not so bad”! Didn’t the Twins start a food fight, and your sister had to step in and gave them both a black eye.

Fox: Boys will be boys…

Bärchen: I’ll say! Let’s just hope it goes a bit smoother.

Fox: O ye of little faith!

[… after dinner, all gather around the table …]

Fox: Tonight’s game topic is “Nothing”.

The Twins: What?! How come we’re not playin’? And we brought our rubber chicken for what?- nothin’?!

Fox: Okay. I don’t see how a rubber chicken helps with “Nothing”, but…

Bärchen: I don’t think they understand what you’re saying, dear. Guys, read my lips, tonight’s subject for discussion is “Nothing”.

The Twins: We ain’t goin’ to read those lips, bro’, not after what you and Fox…

Fox: Guys! Stop! Okay, so who would like to start the discussion?

Bronte: I’ll start! … uhm, what am I supposed to say?

Fox: What do you think of “Nothing”?

Bronte: Oh, I get it. Yeah, I often think of nothing at all…

Azar: No, no. Come on everybody. Sis wants to discuss the Philosophical Concept of “Nothing”. Wasn’t that obvious?

The Twins: She could’ve said that up-front. But as far as we’re concerned, “Nothing” is a boring subject.

Auricia: I couldn’t agree more. So, Bronte, dear, you could tell them about how you whisper sweet nothings in my ear…

The Twins: Ugh, gross! We should’ve brought the plastic vomit instead of the rubber chicken.

Fox: Look, everybody, settle down. Bärchen, why don’t you start us out?

Bärchen: Sure. So, the first thing I thought of was Nirvana…

Bronte: The band? I wouldn’t say they were nothing!

The Twins: No, dumbass, He means the concept in the Indian religions of Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism, and Sikhism that refers to the extinguishing of the passions which is the ultimate state of soterial release and the liberation from duḥkha and saṃsāra, the cycle of birth and rebirth. In Indian religions, nirvana is synonymous with moksha and mukti. All Indian religions assert it to be a state of perfect quietude, freedom, highest happiness as well as the liberation from attachment and worldly suffering and the ending of samsara, the round of existence. And the greatest scam of all time. Well, okay, the second greatest.

Auricia: That’s horrible of you to say that. It’s such a beautiful concept–“the release from all sorrow”.

The Twins: You’re too innocent and trusting, Sis. Okay, let’s try this: we want you to kiss our feet, do everything we ask, give us all your good stuff and make yourself ugly and undesirable. And if you’re real good at it, you’ll get to go to Nirvana. And we have to pay you…wait for it… “Nothing”! Hah! Cash only please, the IRS is already lookin’ into us.

Bronte: I would still find you irresistible, Auricia.

Fox: Let’s focus, everybody. Okay, let’s give everybody a turn. How about you, Pops? What do you think?

Mr. Skyler: If it gets people to pay attention and behave, I’m all for it. The Abrahamic religions don’t seem cut out to do even that much.

Bärchen: You’ve got a point, Dad. But, I think we were looking for a little more of a Philosophical answer.

Mr. Skyler: Well, that’s my take. It’s the old woman’s turn next. Gay?! Where did she go? She disappeared into…

Fox: She’s in the kitchen, cleaning up, as usual. [shouting] Mom! Come in and play with us. Bärchen and I will take care of that later.

[… Mrs. Gay re-enters the dining room …]

Mrs. Gay: What are we discussing?

Bronte: A band called Nirvana…

The Twins: No, no, no. Sorry, Mrs. Gay, we’re discussing the Philosophical Concept of Nothing. You know, like the Vacuum of Space.

Mrs. Gay: Oh, I abhor those things. Absolutely can’t stand them.

Mr. Skyler: Good to know; I was going to buy you one for our Anniversary.

Bärchen: Uh… okay. But that’s a good point, guys. So, Mrs. Gay, what do you think of absolute nothingness, the lack of anything at all? What does your experience tell you?

Mrs. Gay: Well, Bärchen, I don’t know. If it were me, I’d put a little of it at a time in an empty coffee can and save it up to use later. Maybe if I collected enough of it, I could find a good use for it.

The Twins: Besides startin’ a whole new religion? [snickering]

Fox: You’ve got a point there, Mom. You know, this is like trying to discuss Good and Evil. As absolutes, each one is a concept constructed without any context or referents whatsoever, an adjective without a noun to hang it on. Or is it an adverb without a verb?

Bärchen: Both.

Azar: Yeah, that is a great point, Sis. And as for you two, Heckle and Jeckle over there, I’m going to get you an empty coffee can with a label “Nirvana: medium roast” on it. Let’s see what you can do with that.

The Twins: Oh, gee, thanks, Azar! Or should we say “de nada!” [between themselves] See! I told you she likes us; she hasn’t hit us even once this time around.

Bronte: But what if it makes you happy?!

The Twins: Nothing makes you happy, once you get it.

Bronte: Exactly.

Auricia: And I just had a thought-nothing is ugly, if you really see it for what it is… So, keep it away from me!

Mr. Skyler: You all sound like you’re fishing for a PhD, apparently, and you got a lot of nothing to show for it. So, I suggest you co-author a peer-reviewed paper on it. Then again, from what I heard, it certainly wouldn’t be the first.

Mrs. Gay: I like the idea that I don’t have to clean up nothing. And it’s free! You can have as much of it around as you care to, just as long as you’ve got a place to put it when you’re through playing with it.

Bronte: I’ve been trying to point out that everybody tells me that nothing makes them happy. So, if it makes them happy, I say “go for it”. Me and Auricia got better things to do. [starts whispering in Auricia’s ear]

The Twins: When did he move over to be next to her? Did anybody see that? Anyway, we got only one thing to say. [between themselves] Ready? Okay…

[… Poof! everything disappears for an instant, then reappears …]

Azar: Okay, you two. Give me that and stop playing with it. You don’t understand nothing! Don’t make me go over there and slug you both, hard! Geez, Louise! Nothing is dangerous to joke about among family, apparently… No! Don’t give me the rubber chicken. Now!

[… later, Bärchen and Fox are cleaning up in the Kitchen…]

Bärchen: I feel like we accomplished nothing there.

Fox: Wasn’t it great?! It was a whole bunch of nothing, and everybody contributed this time.

Bärchen: I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

Fox: That’s because nothing is too hard for you. [smiles]

Bärchen: Hah, hah. I’m going to pinch you.

Fox: Ouch! Silly Bärchen. [slaps his hand away]

Bärchen: By the way, what are you wearing underneath there?

Fox: Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm! Guess!…