Blue Fox Shaman

Fox: So, Bärchen, are you all packed and ready for our trip to the Department of Licensing? I hear the Strasbourg weather is great, was great?, in May of 1526. Hmmm! we’re going to have to learn a whole new phraseology, apparently.

Bärchen: Uhhh, I thought we were stuck. Isn’t it impossible to get there? You know, that old Catch-22: to get a license to Time Travel, you have to Time Travel to get a license to…

Fox: Sounds like a Time Traveller’s Loop. Something we’ll have to watch out for in the future… or in the past. But, no, I have good news… sort of–there is a Catch-22, but not because of that. The problem is, if you do travel to get your license, and you fail the exam, you’re stuck, which could pose some significant issues…

Bärchen: Hence, no doubt, the choice of time and location–Strasbourg, May 1526.

Fox: Well, sort of. There was a lot of shit happening in Europe then, true, but Strasbourg is a beautiful city on the Rhine, one of the earliest centers of book-printing in Europe, and you should see their Library! But in particular, there was a transit of Venus on May 23rd…

Bärchen: In case we’re stuck but we wanted to get outside?

Fox: Sure, but actually it’s a lot easier to perform Time Navigation calculations using celestial events. Calendars are changing all the time (pun intended), and if you want to go waaay back in Time, as I’m sure you and I do, calendars weren’t even invented then. Time Navigation is a tricky subject, Bärchen. There have been some famous disasters due to arriving too early or too late. But, whatever. Let’s give it a try! I could think of worse places to get stuck forever than Strasbourg in 1526. Not sure about the bathroom situation, though.

Bärchen: Gosh! Well, okay then… uhhh, what do I pack for 1526?

Fox: I don’t know about you, but I’m taking some toilet paper with me.

[… Fox and Bärchen fire up the Alpha 428, perform the calculations, and travel back to 1526 Strasbourg, arriving May 21. Then, in the temporary headquarters of the Time Travelers DOL they obtain the necessary training …]

Agent Williams: So, History is like Physics in that regard. Everything that happens in the Newtonian, everyday world is the working out of trillions of Quantum events that, ultimately, we cannot measure completely (Heisenberg’s non-commutativity). Many things at the Quantum level appear to us like a random toss of the dice. It may not actually be random, but the math we use certainly makes it look like it is. But History, like Classical Newtonian Physics, is pretty stable, things follow certain clear rules and trends, even though these larger events are made up of trillions of small events whose effects average out. We can measure or predict a few of the impacts of specific things we do, but not all. The small events seem to happen at random, like a roll of the dice. But we are better able to calculate the end result–the “math” we apply to History is much more clearly defined. All this is to say, don’t worry. You would have to try really hard to accumulate enough small events during your visits to other Times to make any significant change in the course of History.

Fox: No “flap of a butterfly’s wing causing a Typhoon in Japan”?

Agent Williams: Right. Now, that isn’t to say that some people don’t try to do exactly that. The classic example is going back in Time to buy Microsoft stock at its initial offering price, and so become fabulously wealthy. You can see the problem there. What these folks want to do is accumulate power, and whether they use it for ill or for good, or even not at all, that shift in the balance of power is significant. Perhaps you’ve heard of James Carver? Not the British politician.

Bärchen: Well, no, I suppose we haven’t.

Agent Williams: We keep records of all the various alternate Histories caused by Time Travel. Someone named James Carver tried pulling that very stunt, but he didn’t reckon with Time Karma.

Bärchen: Wait! Time Karma?

Agent Williams: Time Karma is part of the fundamental way the Universe operates. At least, as far as we can tell. In this case, Mr. Carver did become fabulously wealthy, but he inadvertently injured himself and killed his wife in an accident involving a short-circuiting vacuum cleaner and some unknown amount of radioactive material. He was forced to return to the previous Time and undo what he had done. Ultimately at a rather significant expense to himself. I know it sounds trite, but I’ve seen it too many times not to credit it. My theory is that even though we can change the balance of power, we somehow poison our own existence as everything attempts to adapt itself to the new point of balance. Come to think of it, that’s how regular Karma works. It’s just that, in our usual lives, we don’t see the Universe attempt to adapt quite as quickly or with such force. That’s in keeping with the “blast radius” of our actions in these different cases.

Bärchen: Okay, I gotta ask. How come it seems that Karma doesn’t seem to catch up with some folks in this life at all?

Fox: I think that’s part of the design, honey. Not that the Universe has a Designer. But looking at what has grown out of Existence, we see certain trends, a certain character, if you will. Call it the Tao, if you like. One aspect of it is that its actually a tough place to be. The Universe, that is. Not everything is a bed of roses. But nonetheless, Beauty and Love lurk behind everything and are liable to pop out and stare you in face from time to time. The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, my love.

Agent Williams: And, in addition to Time Karma, we do have Field Agents who periodically check licenses and access your records to see if your travel privileges should be revoked.

Bärchen: But the person whose license was revoked could still time travel, couldn’t they?

Agent Williams: Not if they’re traveling via one of the main carriers. There are some who have their own, private means of transport, of course, like yourselves. In any case, they’ll no longer be able to obtain the services of a Time Consultant.

Bärchen: So many new terms! What is a Time Consultant?

Agent Williams: They’re freelance agents who help people get out of jams. If you just travel by the main carriers you’d never encounter one, they take care of all those sorts of things themselves. But these jams happen more often than you think. One of the biggest issues is not being able to find a place to park. Fail that, and all sorts of mayhem follows. You might even get towed. If that happened to me, I would call a Time Consultant right away, that Impound Lot is in one scary-ass neighborhood. Okay, so, are you ready? Here comes the exam… What are the 3 most important things to know about Time Travel?

Bärchen: Uh, that’s it? Okay, well, uh, number one I would say is “You are a guest in Time. Don’t interfere in any significant way with things as they are”.

Agent Williams: Good. Number two?

Bärchen: Hmmm, How about “Take responsibility and clean up any messes you do make”.

Agent Williams: Excellent! And the third?

Bärchen: A third one. What else could be important?… Oh! I’ve got it–“Look before you leap!”

Agent Williams: Right-o. Perfect score. So, we’ll do a retinal scan and issue you a license. I’ll grab the scanner and be right back.

Fox: Congratulations, Bärchen! Wheee! Are we gonna have fun, or what?!

Bärchen: Yes. Although… it all feels dream-like, sort of…

Fox: Disappointing? You were expecting battles with Evil Daleks at the behest of Time Lords, and Impossible Time Contradictions to solve?

Bärchen: Now that you mention it…

Fox: Bärchen! You’ve been watching too many movies, and not enough documentaries. Although we did both like “Time Bandits”. Hey! don’t you dare say “[mimicing] Oh, so that’s what an invisible barrier looks like” or I’ll smack you. Do you think David Attenborough finds his job boring? Hmmph! You want a challenge? Tell me exactly who showed up for the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge in 2987 BCE. Or let’s see if you can narrowly escape being stomped on by a Titanosaur. You’re such a typical guy sometimes!

Bärchen: Henceforward, I shall try to be atypical. [smiles]

Fox: “Do or do not; there is no try.” [smiles back]

[… Agent Williams returns and completes the scan and the paperwork …]

Fox: So, Agent Williams, do you have any recommendations on what to do while were here in Strasbourg? I hear the Library has an awesome selection of incunabula. Well, by definition, obviously.

Agent Williams: You’ll also want to grab a bottle of wine by the Rhine, I know a little shop where you can get a jug to go. And a loaf of bread.

Fox: Excellent!

Agent Williams: But there’s one thing I’d like you both to consider. It’s a tad expensive, but well worth it. One of the Time Consultants has set up a small shop here in Strasbourg and he’s offering guided tours and an interesting collection of Time Memorabilia during this month. He’s a bit of, well, what you would call a “character”. Very flamboyant and very opinionated, but very smart too. I can give you directions to his shop, it’s close by.

Bärchen: What’s his name?

Agent Williams: Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim. Quite a mouthful. You can just ask for Philippus.

Fox: No, really?! Bärchen, we know the guy. Well, not personally.

Bärchen: AKA Paracelsus, if memory serves.

Agent Williams: The very one. Anyway, another interesting tidbit is that he’s considering giving up his Time Consultant practice to focus entirely on Medicine, so this may be your only chance. And, I think you all might find some interesting things to talk about with one another.

Fox: Sounds good to me. What do you think, Bärchen?

Bärchen: Me too. Interesting indeed. I think the only problem we might have is getting him to shut up, from what I have heard. Of course, some people have said the same thing about me. [grins]

Fox: We’ll definitely take those directions from you, then. Oh, and by the way, Agent Williams, I don’t need a license to travel as long as I’m with Bärchen, right?

Agent Williams: You’re his κοινωνός, aren’t you? At least, I got that impression.

Fox: Yes.

Agent Williams: You’re good. Doesn’t work the other way around, though, just so you know. So, here’s the directions. [hands Fox a scrap of paper]

Bärchen: Will we have any problems communicating? I know some smattering of 21st Century German, but…

Agent Williams: He’s using a Translator’s Stone, just like we are here.

Fox: Didn’t you feel that mental shift when you walked in, my dear?

Bärchen: I did, I just thought it was a mild case of the dizzies after Time Traveling.

Agent Williams: Right. I’ve been speaking Hittite this entire time. So if you didn’t notice, then it’s working just as intended. I would recommend that you go see Phillipus now and make arrangements for a tour tomorrow. Then enjoy some wine and bread before retiring for the night back here. We have accommodations for Travelers in the lofts. You can pay for that and your license at the front desk.

Fox: Thank you. You’ve made our stay very comfortable.

Agent Williams: You’re very welcome. You’ll find our little community of Time Travelers to be very friendly and helpful, with a few notable exceptions, of course.

[… At the shop of Paracelsus …]

Paracelsus: So, you’ve come quite a long Time from home. But you’re going to be delighted with what I will recommend to you. We should start our journey early tomorrow, at first light. We will cross over the Rhine. The river is alive this time of year and fish, fowl and merchants, who are neither fish nor fowl, all use it as their highway. Then, we’ll take a coach to the Black Forest and join a hunting party. You’ll get a feel for the spirit of the Forest, which is the soul of Die Märchen, the stories passed down for ages. And that night we will spend among the trees of earth and the stars of heaven, telling stories around our cooking fire, invigorated by a good bottle of Medicinal Schnapps, of course. We are human beings, not hedgehogs, after all. The next day we return to Strasbourg and go directly to the source–we will watch the printers, with their modern, movable-type printing presses, as they produce books of character. I also know of a bookseller who may have a copy of the Odyssey, in Greek type…

Fox: OMG!

Paracelsus: If you have sufficient funds, you may purchase one. Perhaps they will have one already illuminated. Such things cost a pretty Taler today, though. I can’t imagine what they would be worth in your time, so you must be careful to keep anything you buy very private. That, combined with some excellent meals, will fill our day. All our nourishment becomes ourselves; we eat ourselves into being. Or, as you English speakers are fond to say “The proof of the pudding…

Bärchen: is in the eating!”

Fox: Bärchen loves his Haggis. Such a Scot!

Bärchen: With neeps and tatties!

Paracelsus: My friends, we can accommodate you very well, of that I am certain! Have you heard of Choucroute Garnie? No? Well, let me explain the principles of digestion to you. Indeed, I’m thinking of writing an entire book on the subject…