Blue Fox Shaman

Fox: How do you like the watercress sandwiches, Mom?

Mrs. Gay: Just like I used to make. It has been ages since we all got together, just us girls.

Azar: Yeah, what’s up with that, Sis? Didn’t you say you had something you wanted to ask us?

Fox: I did. I invited all us together because I have some exciting news. The Museum of the Illuminati is hosting a Gala for the opening of their new Ancient Greek History wing, and Bärchen asked me to do a Tableau of the Muses for it. I’m planning a recreation the Judgment of Paris fashion show, and that’s where you all come in. Would you all consider doing a fashion show of my designs?

Mrs. Gay: That sounds lovely, honey. I’m sure Azar would love to do it.

Fox: And you too, Mom.

Mrs. Gay: A fashion show? At my age? I don’t know…

Auricia: You’ll be great, Mrs. Gay! No need to feel self-conscious. I could help you with makeup and hair, and you can borrow some of my stilettos if you like.

Fox: We can’t do it without you, Mom.

Azar: But who’s dumb enough to be the judge of this beauty contest? Last I saw Paris, he was “blowin’ in the wind” in the Second Level of Hell, literally.

Auricia: I heard the Twins say that the Judgment of Paris was the Ancient Greek version of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Azar: Okay. They’re crazy, but they got a point.

Auricia: Which is?

Azar: It all started there. The Judgment of Paris was the beginning of what became the excuse for the Trojan War. Paris had the impossible choice a pissing off at least two out of three Goddesses…

Auricia: They still make excuses for going to war? I thought they just did it whenever the other side had something they wanted.

Fox: Pretty much. But they feel they gotta keep up the formalities.

Azar: “Propaganda”, or these days “the Evening News”.

Fox: I’ll get Bärchen to do the judging. He won’t mind. He gets himself in impossible situations all the time. Oh, but I need you each to prepare a presentation of why you should get the crown, just like it all happened with the Judgment.

Azar: I guess threatening bodily harm is out of the question?

Fox: Please. So, can I count on all of you? Mom, you’ll be Hera, Auricia is Aphrodite, and Azar you’ll play Athena.

Azar: In.

Auricia: Of course! A fashion show is a perfect idea. And I’ll hold back on the charm so everybody has a chance.

Mrs. Gay: You can count on us!

[… the day of the Gala Grand Opening arrives…]

Fox: Okay, Mom, let’s get you set up first. You’ll be representing Tragedy, Comedy and Lyric Choral Poetry.

Mrs. Gay: So, I don’t get all this, honey. Explain this to an old woman like me. What’s all this Tragedy, Comedy, and Lyric…thing?

Fox: Oh, that’s easy, Mom. These days its all Pop Music. I guess they do still have theaters for live plays, but nobody goes to those. So, you got the “somebody done somebody wrong” songs. It’s standard fare for any female Pop Star, like Adele. That’s a Tragedy. Especially when a male singer tries to do it. Comedy is all the love songs that they churn out like so many hot dogs at the ballpark.

Mrs. Gay: Yes, Mr. Skyler has taken me to one of those. You go there to drink beer and shout at people in costume running on the grass. Can you believe it wasn’t even my grass!?

Fox: I know, Mom, I don’t understand it either. But I mean the songs, the love songs. They’re constantly churning out new ones, but they all taste like they’re made of sawdust, mostly. Hmmm… chili and onions might help. So, then that last one, the Lyric Choral Poetry, that’s the stuff that Bob Dylan writes.

Mrs. Gay: Who’s he?

Azar: He’s a protest and folk music singer from the 60’s…

Mrs. Gay: Oh! We like him already. Does Bärchen know him?

Fox: No, no. He’s a nice Jewish boy from Minnesota. Bärchen knew somebody who wanted to be him. But recently they’ve made him into a sort of God-like figure.

Mrs. Gay: That sounds familiar… oh yes, like that boy from Nazareth. What is he up to these days?

Fox: I’ll explain it to you later, Ma. Remind me. So, you’re going to wear these outfits: here’s a long, flowing dress made of Batik with motifs from the Ramayana, a Bohemian ensemble a la Janis Joplin, and a black lace dress and coordinating wrap, accessorized with a black top hat with ostrich feathers. I stole that last one from Stevie Nicks’ wardrobe, so we need to get it back before it’s missed.

Mrs. Gay: And you two girls will help me change between sets, yes?

Auricia: Of course!

Fox: So, Azar, sister dear, you’ll be representing Epic Poetry, History, and Astronomy. You’ll also be wearing three outfits– a dress…

Azar: Wait! A dress. Are you kidding me? How about if I just wear my uniform instead? I’ve got it in my case here. It’s definitely historically accurate…

Fox: Hmmm… I’m not sure how the horned helmet and shrunken head will go over with this crowd. I guess I have something to accessorize it. That skirt is leather with bronze studs, right?

Azar: Uh huh. Very comfy though, especially when you’re delivering the coup de grace and collecting the trophy.

Fox: I’ve never quite understood this whole thing about putting heads on pikes. Can you explain that to me?

Azar: It’s a lot like collecting stamps, actually. You try to get as many different types from as many different countries as you can.

Fox: But with cancellation marks?

Azar: Obviously.

Fox: Okay, I guess this will work. Hah! Do you remember I when I borrowed a head that time and scared Bärchen with it?

Azar: You always were such a tease!

Fox: It took him a full minute to figure out it wasn’t his own. It was wonderful. Anyway, next, here’s the swimsuit I designed for you: a light-blue sharkskin one-piece with shark’s teeth around the waist, and a contrasting ray skin accent over the left shoulder down to the hip. I was thinking of Leukothea in the Odyssey.

Azar: Does it have a place to conceal my diving knife?

Fox: Of course! I’m taking care of you, sis!

Azar: Cool.

Fox: The final piece is your basic scholar’s gown in purple. I added your Doctorate regalia; hope you like it.

Azar: It’s perfect.

Auricia: And for me?

Fox: Auricia, my dear sister-in-law, you’ll be doing Flute, Light Verse & Dance, and Mime. Here’s what I’ve got for you. The evening gown is the classic little black dress in velvet with billow sleeves, accessorized with spike-heeled leather boots and a black leather choker studded with steel spikes and diamonds. The second costume is a black dress with hoop skirt, embroidered all around with golden stars, comets and crescent moons. The accessories are a gold and black tourmaline necklace, and a gold tiara with sunrays and stars. Basically, its the costume for the Queen of the Night in Mozart’s the Magic Flute. I cannot lie, I got the idea off the internet. Lastly, and, uhhh, sorry to ask, but could you perform like you did for Bronte last week…

Auricia: He told you about that?!

Fox: Yeah, no worries, it all stays in the family. My big brother is a blabber-mouth, I agree. But he said you were really good at it, and its the only thing I could come up with for Mime. Oh, and I’ve added accessories so it won’t be quite as, how do I say this…

Auricia: All right, I guess. But I’m going to give Bronte an earful, you can count on that.

Fox: Good. Thank you.

Auricia: Just one question.

Fox: Yes?

Auricia: Don’t you think my costumes are a little… Gothic? I mean…

Fox: Oh, everybody will eat it up, believe me. You look good in anything.

Auricia: Yes, of course. Oh, and I wrote a poem I’d like to recite. It’s entitled “My Longing for Whirled Peas”.

Fox: Can I look at it?

Auricia: Sure. [hands over some paper]

Fox: Did the Twins help you with this?

Auricia: Yes, they made lots of great suggestions, including the subject.

Fox: Thought so. Okay. Whatever. No time to change it now.

[… the fashion show proceeds without incident, until …]

Fox: And for the finale, representing Mime, The Pole Dance of the Seven Veils, with Aphrodite played by Auricia.

[… “Government Hooker” by Lady Gaga begins to play over the loudspeakers. Bronte slowly slips under his table in embarrassment, then, with the fashion show over, Bärchen interviews each of the performers, ending with Athena played by Azar …]

Bärchen: So, are you ready for your presentation? Or did you not prepare something?

Azar: Hah. Am I that transparent?

Bärchen: No, but Fox is constantly telling stories about you two and all the trouble you got into as kids. So, I kinda feel like I know your MO, at least a little.

Azar: Same here. Our little company of nerds, right.

Bärchen: So, I can trust you not to say anything to the others?

Azar: Obviously.

Bärchen: You’re the shoo-in for the award, of course.

Azar: Thanks, bro’! I gotta ask, though. I’d like to hear your reasoning. I think I know, but…

Bärchen: Sure. I would have never made it against all the False Suitors for my Penelope’s hand without your Mentoring. You saved my ass more than once, in fact. And just seeing how much you loved your sister made me realize I had found something really special.

Azar: Does it help to know I will still kick your ass myself if you ever harm her?

Bärchen: Yep. That’s part of having my back, as much as hers.

Azar: Well spoken, brother-in-law. My lips are sealed. I’m also curious, though, if you don’t mind telling me, what did Mom and your sister have to say?

Bärchen: Your Mom offered me start-up capital to expand my Alternative Reality Medicine Show. It was quite a bit. I had no idea she had that much.

Azar: Yeah, she’s been saving up forever, literally.

Bärchen: And my sister said she would have Bronte give me “the talk” on how to win friends and influence people, especially women.

Azar: His own brand of Snake Oil. I trust you realize that none of that works with Sis.

Bärchen: ‘Course! My sister means well, it just takes some time for things to soak in.

Azar: Well, I can’t wait to see how you’re going to handle this Judgment without pissing somebody off. Anyway, I’ll get back to the party. I think the Twins were up to no good, and I’m going to try to catch them red-handed.

Bärchen: [laughing] Godspeed!

[… back in the Great Hall …]

Bärchen: I have met with the contestants privately, and have completed scoring their poise and elegance during the fashion show, it is now time to announce the winner… And the winner of the Judgment of Paris Beauty Contest is… [shuffles papers] ah! In accordance with the Rules of the Illuminati, the winner’s name has been sealed up in the Time Capsule which is even now being placed in the cornerstone of this new Ancient Greek History wing. It will be re-opened, and the winner announced, in the year 2525 CE. But I must say, thank you very much to our contestants, you were all lovely beyond compare and the decision was anything but easy. And so, with that, I declare this Ancient Greek History wing open! Please enjoy some additional refreshments in the Courtyard. Go, mingle, folks!

Fox: [whispers to Bärchen] That isn’t really in the Rules, is it, Bärchen?

Bärchen: No. But then, we’re all such a secret bunch, nobody knows if there are any Rules, let alone where they might be written down if we did. I’m surprised anybody even shows up for meetings.

Fox: Kinda hard when nobody’s allowed to say where or when, I guess.

Bärchen: Exactly.

Fox: So, what did you think of the Tableau?

Bärchen: Perfect! But my sister’s costumes looked more like your style than her usual. What was up with that?

Fox: Well, sweetie, you’re right. I was actually trying to kill two birds with one stone.

Bärchen: How so?

Fox: This is part of our work with Hexagram 61 and the Vision of the Grail. I was actually wondering if you might like those outfits for me.

Bärchen: Now that you mention it, yes.

Fox: And the last one? Could you handle that?

Bärchen: I would try… real hard.

Fox: Hah! Watch out for those double entendres.

Bärchen: Does that mean I’m going to catch Hell when we get home?

Fox: Only if you can run fast enough.

Bärchen: Okay! … Hey, I could definitely use some fruit punch about now. Care to join me?

Fox: I’d go easy on that. I saw the Twins hanging around the punch bowl earlier and I swear they spiked it.

Bärchen: Psychedelics?

Fox: What do you think?

Bärchen: Okay, then. Better idea–let’s me and you go check out the Main Library.

Fox: Meet you by the Quantum Mechanics section?

Bärchen: You’re such a romantic!