Blue Fox Shaman

Fox: Hey, Bärchen, when is your class reunion? Wasn’t that supposed to be today?

Bärchen: Yeah.

Fox: Aren’t you going? You’re just sitting there reading the news, again.

Bärchen: I’m not sure.

Fox: Oh. Won’t it be fun to go to Heaven? You enjoyed my reunion, didn’t you?

Bärchen: Of course.

Fox: What’s the matter, then? You feelin’ okay?

Bärchen: Yeah, I’m just not that into it.

Fox: Is this about your rejection anxiety?

Bärchen: You know me too well. It is a little, I suppose. But you know how these things go. And the entertainment is Pat Boone…what!? For like the last 50 years running now?

Fox: Tell ya what. Let’s sneak out early and go over and visit the Garden of Eden. I’ve never been there.

Bärchen: Really!? Well, I guess we could show up for a little bit.

Fox: I’ll go get dressed. You too. Don’t wear the same shirt you wore last year. Promise me!

[a neighborhood in Heaven]

Bärchen: Ah, here it is. Yep, some old neighborhood, same old mansions. Nothing ever changes around here. Did I ever tell you? When I was a kid the idea of Eternity scared the shit out of me.

Fox: At least they keep it nice. I mean, if you like gold pavements. Wow! Do you think anyone will notice if I keep my sunglasses on?

Bärchen: We’ll just tell them you’ve got “transitions”.

Pastor Smith: Boy, is that you? Hey everybody, look who’s here, and he’s got somebody nice with him.

Fox: [sotto voce] If only he knew!

Bärchen: Hey Pastor Smith, good to see you! Hey everybody!

Fox: I brought a delicious, hot tuna casserole.

Pastor Smith: Put that right over there on the picnic table, youngin’. Under the canopy. Over there… Mrs. Smith will show you where. We always bring out the canopy, but there’s never any chance of rain. Isn’t that right, lad?

Bärchen: I like rain.

Pastor Smith: What’s that? Hey, you didn’t wear the shirt your Aunt gave you.

Bärchen: It needed a wash.

Pastor Smith: Oh, right. I forget how these things work back on earth; here everything remains completely spotless all the time. An eternity of blessedness. Let’s go say hello to everybody. How’s work? I take it your still working at the same place? Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop after all.

Bärchen: Yes, same place.

Pastor Smith: You never thought again about going into the Ministry?

Bärchen: No, I never did make it into the Ministry. I kinda wandered into Science and Math instead.

Pastor Smith: That’s fine. Not everyone is cut out for the Lord’s Work. As long as you enjoy what you’re doing. Hey, let’s go say hello to your cousin, he’s just recently retired here after 24 years as a Chaplain…

[“eternity in an hour” later]

Bärchen: Well, we’re going to go now. Really nice to see you all.

Pastor Smith: Aren’t you going to have desert? Mrs. Smith made her Heavenly Lime Jell-O and Cool Whip pie! Then we’re all going to hear a lecture on the timing of the Second Coming. I can get you two front row seats. I did win a lot of souls back in my day.

Fox: Uh, thanks but he’s watching his sugar. And thank Mrs. Smith again for all the tuna casserole recipes. I had no idea there could be so many of them, and all remarkably similar.

Pastor Smith: Can’t you stay?

Bärchen: Can’t, sorry. You know how it is with work and all.

Pastor Smith: Well, when you get here you’ll have eternity to rest. Just remember to keep reading your Bible.

Bärchen: Will do. [sotto voce] That’s kinda what got me into trouble in the first place.

Fox: Bye!

[on a little-traveled road somewhere in Heaven]

Fox: Oh, wow, this place is so different. It has a sort of wild and desolate beauty. Very pristine.

Bärchen: Absolutely. This is where I always wanted to spend eternity.

Fox: I can see that. Hey, there’s the entrance. We can park here.

[a cherub with a flaming sword guards the entrance]

Raziel: Papers please.

Bärchen: Here ya go. You don’t get many visitors out here?

Raziel: Nobody. Unless you count Thoreau… he built a cabin here. Fox! Is that you!?

Fox: Raziel! I haven’t seen you… well, since Forever. How the heck are you?

Raziel: Doing good. Can’t complain. What? In a spot like this!? Can you believe nobody else wanted this gig. But how about you?

Fox: Me and Bärchen been doin’ some work in the Middle Realms. Couldn’t be happier.

Raziel: It suits you! Hey, let me give you guys the Grand Tour.

…

Raziel: Okay, so we’ve seen a world in a grain of sand, heaven in a wildflower, and what did you guys think of holding infinity in the palm of your hand?

Bärchen: That was awesome! Surprisingly light for all that.

Fox: [to Raziel] I’ve been working on him.

Raziel: I figured. And here is the pièce de résistance, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, sans Serpent, of course.

Fox: To think, this is where it all started… or ended.

Raziel: Both, of course.

Bärchen: Where’s the Tree of Life. I thought that was supposed to be here too. Or did they move that to Headquarters already?

Fox: Honey! Did you forget what I told you?

Bärchen: What?

Raziel: They’re the same thing.

Bärchen: Oh! Right. Fox did tell me. Being at the reunion today was all a bit confusing for me.

Fox: I think I see a ripe one… there! Would you like to try it, Bärchen? This one looks really nice and juicy, and its desirable for gaining Knowledge.

Raziel: I’ll let you two enjoy your Adam and Eve moment. I’ve got to get back to the entrance, just in case somebody does show up.

Fox: You wanna?

Bärchen: Will I be the same person I was before?

Fox: No, of course not.

Bärchen: Good. Cut me a slice.

Fox: One for me, and one for you.

Bärchen: [tasting] Oh Holy Shit! [whistles]

Fox: Uh huh. Like that time I opened your Muladhara Chakra.

Bärchen: Man! That got me. That’s intense. Those words from the Diamond Sutra are welling up inside…

This fleeting world
is like a star at dawn,
a bubble in a stream,
a flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
a flickering lamp,
a phantom and a dream.

Fox: You can cry, it’s okay, my love. Put your head on my shoulder and let it all go.

Bärchen: [finishes sobbing] thanks… uh, were we wearing any clothes to the reunion?

Fox: Uh huh.

Bärchen: Good. For a moment there I thought we had forgotten to get dressed beforehand.

Fox: I brought us both another set in the Alpha. I figured something like this would happen.