Blue Fox Shaman

[the scene: a class reunion in Hell]

Fox: Oh, Bärchen, there you are. Have you met Old Nick?

Old Nick: Hey, I’m Nick, Mergers and Acquisitions, 4th Level of Hell.

Bärchen: Good to meet you, I’m Bärchen, uh, I’m with her.

Fox: Nick was telling me about his plans to expand the 4th Level of Hell.

Bärchen: Oh, right! Fox told me you have your hands full with that right now. Got anything interesting planned?

Old Nick: Interesting!? Shit. Fox hasn’t brought you by this way much, I guess.

Fox: We’ve been busy in the Middle World.

Old Nick: Anyway, to answer your question, yes we’ve been very busy, but no- same shit, different day.

Fox: They’ve had to expand quickly down here. And I don’t think it’s going to let up anytime soon, what with
environmental collapse and politics the way they are.

Old Nick: Americans, especially, are expected in really large numbers.

Bärchen: I thought they were going to Florida.

Old Nick: No. I can understand your confusion though. People mix us up all the time.

Bärchen: Got it.

Old Nick: But we came up with one cost-saving device in the Eternal Punishment branch–as soon as the inductees get here, they lock themselves in their rooms and watch reruns of Fox News, forever.

Bärchen: Oh! Yes… Damn!

Old Nick: We don’t have to lift a finger, and we save so much on brimstone and pitchforks now with this. But space is running out real quick.

Fox: And the old neighborhood is changing all out of recognition. We saw those condos being built right up to edges of the River Styx. Where are all the alligators and poisonous snakes going to go?

Old Nick: You guessed it…Florida.

Fox: Ahh, ok… Still, I miss the miasmic vapors catching the dying rays of the sun over the bogs…

Old Nick: Hey, Fox! Next time you guys visit Heaven, could you bring me back one of those bubble-gum flavored snow cones. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to sneak in there and nab one.

Fox: Glad to.

Old Nick: Thanks. I gotta admit I’m jealous of them. Heaven hasn’t had to build shit in so long. It’s not funny, really.

Bärchen: But so many folks have paid so much money to get in. What about those millions… billions, I guess, that they pay to those religious charities and think tanks, not to mention to the televangelists and politicians themselves.

Old Nick: They certainly are raking in the dough. But there’s The Clause.

Bärchen: What’s that?

Fox: The Clause states: 1. The love of Money is the root of all Evil and 2. You must love your Neighbor as yourself. Nobody reads the fine print though.

Old Nick: Yep. Your “neighbor” covers everybody, in fact. Gets ’em every time. We had one guy in here who repeated “Let me go, this isn’t what I’m entitled to” for about 50 years before he shut up.

Bärchen: What got him to stop?

Old Nick: That’s when we started doing Fox News reruns. He now just endlessly mutters to himself that Liberals are the reason he’s here.

Fox: You moved him next door to one; didn’t I hear that?

Old Nick: [smiling] Yeah.

Fox: At least you’ve still got your sense of humor.