Blue Fox Shaman

Fox: [singing] “And we’ll have fun, fun, fun now that daddy took the T-bird awaaayyy.”

Bärchen: Whatcha singing?

Fox: Oh, hah, you were listening? Well, looks like you’re off work now, so it’s time for that fun you promised me.

Bärchen: Sure, whaddaya got in mind?

Fox: I’m taking you shopping. Something for your birthday.

Bärchen: Aaww, you! That sounds good to me, lets go!

…

Fox: Stop here!

Bärchen: Where, in front of this Arby’s?

Fox: No, silly, look to the left.

Bärchen: [reading] “Merkabah Motors…”

Fox: Uh huh.

Bärchen: “…purveyors of new and vintage Chariots of Fire.” Wow!

Fox: Well, don’t just stand there gawkin’, boy, park this old Edsel and let’s go for a test-drive.

Bärchen: Oh…my…god!

…

Dealer: May I help you?

Fox: Could you please show us your latest model?

Dealer: [pointing at Barchen] And this one?

Fox: Barchen? Yeah, he’s with me.

Dealer: Very well, right this way… Here’s our latest, the Alpha 428.

Bärchen: What does the Alpha signify?

Dealer: That would be the ἀποκάλυψις (Apocalypse) line, sir. Let me run down its features for you:

Around the cockpit is a rainbow that looks like an emerald. Around that are twenty-four spheres, and seated on the spheres are the twenty-four Greek letters, executed in white strokes, with golden circles upon their tops. From the cockpit issues flashes of lightning, and voices and peals of thunder, and before the cockpit
burn seven torches of fire (you would know them as “headlights”, sir), which are the driver’s seven spirits;
and before the cockpit there is, as it were, a sea of glass, like crystal. (You would call that your “display panel”, sir.)

And round the cockpit, on each side of the cockpit, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like a flying eagle. And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all round and within.

Fox: That’s your sensor array, sweetie. You know, like I’ve been teaching you about the I Ching trigrams:

Lion = Fire/Water = Perception/Communication
Ox = Earth/Heaven = Sub-Conscious/Conscious
Man = Wind/Thunder = Aspiration/Motivation
Eagle = Lake/Mountain = Pattern/Causality

Each one has six “wings”, well, actually letters, so there’s your input into those 24 letter spheres that surround the cockpit.

Bärchen: Oh! I get it, it’s like the way we communicate with the Runes or Greek Letters. Hi-tech divination now.

Fox: And fancy!

Bärchen: Heh, heh, what she means is, well, were not looking at a fully decked out model, no sir. More like an entry-level… model. [whispers to Fox] Have you seen the sticker price?! Can you afford this?

Fox: Oh, yeah. Hades asked me to do a favor for him, and of course he paid me, he’s always good about that. You
never have to ask him for it. Man, is that son of a bitch rich!

Bärchen: Can we take it for a test drive?

Dealer: Of course, sir. Right this way, sir.

…

Bärchen: Comfy seat! Okay, seat belt on. Display panel adjusted. …uh, where’s the ignition?

Fox: [popping out behind/beside Barchen on the right] Here!

Bärchen: Aaah, you gave me a spark there! Where did you come from?

Fox: I came in the Spirit Guide entrance. You know, the back hatch, the servants entrance; so I say to you “yes, Bwana” and “no, Bwana, we would never do that, Bwana” and…

Bärchen: Hush, you!

Fox: Achoo, to you too, mister! Anyway, you can’t make it go without me. But you’re the driver, so where do you want to go?

Bärchen: Chicago.

Fox: Chicago?! Is this about the “Cubs” because your name is Barchen and all that?

Bärchen: No, no. I was thinking 10,000 BC, or thereabouts.

Fox: Got it. Hang on…

…

Dealer: So, sir, madam, I trust it met with your expectations?

Bärchen: Yeah. Can we get it in British Racing Green?

Fox: British Racing… No! Sweetie, it clashes with the rainbow emerald thingy. Seriously! You need a white or… Philosopher’s Stone Red Metallic! [gasp] That’s the one, we’ll take that one.

Dealer: Excellent choice, madam!

Fox: Oh! Show Barchen the way to the vintage EZ1. Barchen, it was anything but easy, I don’t know how it got off the ground, frankly. None of the controls make sense to me. I guess they tried to reduce the set of sensors to 16, but then they had to put the eyes in those wheel-within-a-wheel thingys, otherwise it all got overloaded. But you know who started off Ezekiel on his famous rant by visiting him in that thing?

Bärchen: The Almighty Himself?!

Fox: The Almighty Himself. I think He and The Missus were going through that whole nasty divorce right about
then. You gotta see it, it’s a Wonder. I’m going to go take care of this.

…

[heading home]

Bärchen: So, when are they going to deliver this thing.

Fox: They’re not.

Bärchen: Why? What’s wrong?

Fox: Nothing, I paid for the Skidbladnir option so it folds up and fits in my purse. Oh, and I got a deal on some extras. I know, I splurged a little… for you.

Bärchen: What did you get?

Fox: Well, Blake really liked some items, and he recommends them in his review, so they made a package out of them. There’s a Bow of Burning Gold, Arrows of Desire, and a Spear that has something to do with clouds, I wasn’t quite sure what. I think it works like a windshield wiper.

Bärchen: Cool! And, by the way, thank you!

Fox: Of course, you! Now you have no excuse not to go with me to faraway places.