Blue Fox Shaman

“Let’s get something out of the vending machine.”

“Sure. Tell me what they’ve got.”

“Let’s see… There’s an Enlightenment Bar.”

“How much?”

“Uh, thoughts and ego.”

“You got any on you?”

“Thoughts? Nah, I spent all mine on Self Aggrandizement Chips yesterday.”

“What about ego?”

“With all those chips? Hell, yeah. But this thing says you need thoughts as well.”

“How many?”

“All of them, I assume. Hey, you used to meditate, didn’t you?”

“Yes. That was great for generating all sorts of random thoughts… oh, and ego too.”

“Just the opposite of what we we’re told, but who am I to judge.”

“Okay, what else?”

“They’ve got a Marital Bliss Bar. I haven’t seen one of those since the 60’s.”

“They were all fake back then. Artificial flavors, colors and sexual orientations.”

“How much for that one?”

“Two careers, a mortgage and listening skills.”

“Okay, we’ve got that. I wanted a little something more, though.”

“Are you crazy? You’ll be chewing that thing from now until Doom’s Day. I know you.”

“Yeah, well. Don’t they have one of those, what do you call them? Secret Knowledge things…”

“Hidden Knowledge Creme de Menthes. Let me look… Hey, they got Power (Pow!) Shots…”

“How many rows of those stupid things?”

“Three… no, four rows. As usual, half the goddam machine. I never knew they came in so many flavors–money, fame, holiness & spice,… Oh here’s the Hidden Knowledge. Didn’t the package used to be green?”

“It was never the same twice, as I recall. How much?”

“Let’s see. No number on it and no price. At least that hasn’t changed. Didn’t you tell me you knew how to…”

“Yeah, watch!”

[bang, bAng, thud, BANG.]

“Holy Mother!”

“Yeah, but it never works the same way twice.”

“Okay, let’s also get you your Marital Bliss…[ching, ching, thud]… now I’ll look for something… I’ve been wanting to try one of those Power (Pow!) Shots in Magic Spell flavor.”

“You’ve been watching too many commercials. They’re just a sour version of the Self Deception flavor.”

“That’s a flavor?”

“Yeah, but it’s never marked that way. Duh!”

“Oh, right. Ha.”

“Cheapest thing in the machine, I’ll bet.”

“Yep, practically free. Oh! Here’s LCS flavor. What’s that like?”

“Trust me, that one will make you sick.”

“Why? What’s in it?”

“I’m not sure, but it stands for Lie, Cheat and Steal, so…”

“Got it. Moving along.”

“Just hurry up and pick something. These are all made by the same mega-corporation anyway. Look! ‘Auntie Em’s Bliss Bars (Follow Your Bliss®), a wholly-owned subsidiary of Survival of the Fittest Industries.’”

“No way! Hell, they must own everything.”

“Pretty much.”

“Okay, for me a Power (Pow!) Shot in Shaman flavor… [ching, ching, thud]… How much Happiness is in these things? I thought they had to put that on the label.”

“No, they can’t do that anymore. You know Happiness varies with, well, with lots of things. All they say now is ‘Your Happiness may vary.’ See?!”

“Smart. I remember when they used to say ‘100% of your daily Happiness, guaranteed or we’ll refund your money.’”

“No shit?! Did anyone ever get their money back?”

“Of course not. But I loved the address they gave to write to–in care of Jimmy Hoffa, somewhere in New Jersey, if I remember correctly.”

“Oh, hey, it’s the Twins. What are you guys going to get?”

“I’ll take a Philosophy Ph.D. flavored shot. What about you, Muninn? Your usual?”

“Nah, I think I’ll take Zen Master chips this time. I’m trying to watch my weight.”